The Single Girl: Welcome to my dating world

This is a dating column – that much I will concede.

But this is not your average and-that-was-the-moral-of-the-story dating column.

Reading this column will not make you better at dating (a nonsense of a concept), and you certainly won’t “learn” anything – well, anything helpful for finding love a viable long-term life partner.

It will, I hope, be funny. And should provide succour to anyone feeling like trading in what’s left of their love life for a pair of really comfy slippers, an attentive cat and a never ending box set.

So, by now maybe — hopefully — you’re wondering who I am?

On paper I come across as something close to a very moderate success: I’m 29 and own my own flat in Richmond. I have a client-facing finance job in the city. I have a sulky goldfish called Evelyn and a couple of best friends called Clementine and Davo.

The reality is somewhat different: My flat is tiny, crumbling, and the mortgage repayments mean most of my evening meals are of that particularly tragic genus which can be cooked with boiled water alone.

My city job is 90% negotiating office politics, 10% doing actual work. I have a boss who either despises me or is in love with me. I’m not sure which. I don’t think he is either.

My best friends are tediously and effortlessly good at being human beings. Though currently, miraculously, the three of us are all single for the first time in over a decade.

In my own case for just over a year. His name was… one of those very boring middle class English names and I loved him.

Aaaand he didn’t love me. A fact it took him eight years to work out.

But don’t worry, I’ve washed that prick right out of my hair and I’m back open to offers.

Although it’s fair to say the pitch process has changed somewhat from when I was last single. You couldn’t even marry someone of the same gender when I was last single!? Oh wait…

Before the start of this year, I’d never really considered dating as distinct concept. I’d never even been on a date. Not a proper one.

Back when I was last single (2008) people didn’t date: You met a guy through mutual friends or on a night out with mates, you pashed, you swapped numbers, you met up on a night out with mates again, you pashed, you went to his to watch a DVD, you decided you were boyfriend and girlfriend. It was, frankly, a simpler time.

To stand any chance in today’s dating world you need a working knowledge of Photoshop, a top-of-the-range bullshit detector and an iron will.

Luckily, I took a graphic design course at uni, and I’m sure I’ll find the other two sooner or later.

And in the meantime, you can hopefully enjoy my various adventures.

Like, last week, and my first Tinder-date with… actually, I forgot, this is a column – you do it one bit at a time. Until then… then 😉

Installments of The Single Girl:

Welcome to my dating world 

How I oh-so-coolly handled a stage five clinger

A dishy new colleague wants me but I want more

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