The travel companion guide for a stage 5 clinger

The image of a backpacker is usually that of a free spirit – someone restless and ready to roam the world at a moment’s whim. Solo ventures are not a thing to be feared by these vagabonds, they are a chance to discover solace in solitude.  Yep, dirty hostel sheets and the clicking of beetle shells against concrete walls is all a backpacker needs to keep them company during the night.

I’m the type of person who can’t even walk to the train station without phoning someone otherwise I get lonely.  But just because I’m afraid of solitude, this doesn’t mean I don’t want to see the world! Why should we clingy people be deprived of crusty bed sheets and beetles? We have the same desires to explore – the only difference is us clingers don’t just pack up and go; we drag someone else along of course!

But be cautious! If you’re a clinger this means you’re a nightmare to travel with, so use this guide to make sure you won’t ruin any friendships with your creepy neediness on any upcoming travels.

I present to you the four main types of travel companions that we clingers either need to cling on to for dear life… or cling on to secretly while maintaining a totally normal facade.

The fellow clinger

I was recently on a holiday with a long-term clinger who I’ve been clinging on to for some years now. What a joy it was! Each day was filled with a healthy amount of clinging, until we crashed into our two single beds (which we had obviously pushed together to make into a double).

Each morning we’d wake up together, have a chat, collect our toiletries and journey to the bathroom downstairs. We stayed at a hostel with a shared bathroom, so naturally this meant that we would have to toilet and shower together (although things didn’t change when we moved into private accommodation).

While one would use the toilet, the other would brush their teeth – then we’d swap! We’d then shower together, pick each other’s outfits, eat breakfast together, and head out to enjoy the sites side by side!

Totally healthy!

Words of advice: Never let your fellow clinger go. Be loud, proud, and cling to them like a wet shower curtain! This sort of arrangement also works if cost is an issue, as things like toothbrushes, deodorant and maps (after all, you are never going to split up) can all be shared.

The reluctant clinger

This is the most frustrating travel partner – they’re nearly clingy but won’t tip over the edge into the creepy territory you so crave. They give you glimmers of hope – maybe they agree to wear matching outfits one day, or even pretend to be your non-identical twin the next – but then they go and talk some crazy nonsense about needing some “time to themself”.

These are the types of companions whose eyes you can see drifting towards other people in the hostel bar while you’re trying to tell some hilarious story about your cats. Or you can sense their frustration when they’re locked in a public toilet cubicle with you for the third time that day.

They’ll stick around, but you know that they don’t really want to learn that dance routine so you guys can bust identical moves out that night. They’re just too hesitant to break free and make new friends.

They can occasionally see the benefits in being with a clinger (comfort, cosiness and cuddles to name a few) – but this will most likely only be when they are hung-over or after a long transit day.

Words of advice: This arrangement can work on a short trip, but forget about anything lengthy. Cling silently and carefully – don’t be fooled that with a little coaxing they can be your faithful bum-buddy, they’ll never truly be yours.

The non-clinger

Travelling with a non-clinger? Get ready to have to poo by yourself!

This type of arrangement not only means you will be lonely as hell, but you’ll also end up never going anywhere you want. There’s no compromising with a non-clinger because they’re happy to split up and do their own thing, meaning you’ll have to pretend you wanted to do what they’re doing.

Before you know it you’ll find yourself making wild claims such as, “Oh, I’ve always wanted to go to the Wallpaper Museum!”  Or even “Of course I’d love to lunch with you at this cockroach-infested salmonella ridden ‘restaurant.’”

This type of traveller has annoying traits such as waking up early to “catch some time by myself,” not informing you of when they are going to the toilet or even writing in their travel diary and not letting you read it! These selfish types are not the most desirable travel companions– cling carefully!

Words of advice: Unless you are absolutely desperate to go somewhere, seriously reconsider travelling with a non-clinger. If needing to travel with a non-clinger, cling from a distance – let them have new friends, just make sure it’s with the daggy German guy in socks and sandals rather than the suave Spaniard with the guitar – that way they’ll always come back to you!

The already established clingers

Planning on travelling with a couple, best friends, siblings? Think again as they will most likely cling to each other while you shower, toilet and nap on your own like a lonely old spinster.

Get ready to witness them in each other’s clothes, doing their laundry together and carrying one bag between them – all while you watch on like the desperate creep you are.

This type of arrangement is even less desirable than travelling with a non-clinger. I’d compare it to watching someone eat a delicious meal compared to starving side by side with someone.

Words of advice: You can try break into the clinging, but you know it will never work and that you’ll always be suspect of their shared glances and whispers. Avoid at all costs.

So there you have it, clingers!  Travel safe and cling carefully!

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