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The Bachelor Australia: Episode 1 Recap
The one with all the introductions
It’s been a while since we’ve seen Richie on our screens — not really, we saw him three minutes ago on an ad for this series – but you know what I mean.
Last season I did love the ‘future’ date him and Sam went on. Can the first date be an elderly makeover like last series? Richie had me drooling and seriously considering my age limit on Tinder.
The last time we saw him, Sam Frost was leaving his rose-less, breaking his little heart.
But c’mon, she had two guys proclaiming their love for her and all Richie could muster was that he had “strong feelings for her.” That’s all well and good Rich, but it was the final three, you had to bust out the big love guns to be chosen.
He’d barely made it into the limo and the public (Richie lovers like myself) were hand painting placards:
Richie for Bachelor 2016!
And low and behold, here he is in his chiselled-face goodness.
Here is what I thought of last night’s ep:
Oh Osher, we’ve missed you… and your hair.
We’re two minutes in and we’ve already seen RichieRich (or RR as I will call him) without his shirt on. Well done Channel 10.
First obligatory shot of him looking off into the distance, oh wait, now we’re hanging with his family. Very natural backyard bowls going on and even more natural laughing.
He’s just asked MummyRichie if he can give her a hand– the shock on her face says it all– Meanwhile he slices one avocado, then leaves.
Where is the line between ‘son that loves mum’ (who we all want) and ‘Mummy’s boy’ (who we don’t)?
“Just be who you are..” Loving MummyRichie.
I love the top SisterRichie has on.
More shirtless RR and skyline shots.
Osher says “We’re in for quite a ride with the new Bachelor..” He would know, he’s staying next door to the bachelor pad. (Ok, I added the emphasis on ride, whatever I’m immature.)
Let’s meet some of the ladies:
Megan: A fellow West Australian, RR will love that. And an outdoorsy type, he’ll def want her.
Noni: A swimwear designer, I’ve always thought that was an imaginary job like chocolate taster or wallet inspector. “I love bacon.” I love Noni. #NoniBacon
Marja: The obligatory Yoga instructor (insert gag about sexual positions here). I could stretch on rocks during a sunset too, I just don’t want to right now.
Janey: Oh she seems like A LOT of fun. Although, I think there’s a slight chance she’s hamming it up. Only slightly though. #Cinderella
Georgia: An over-achieving artist (is that an oxymoron?) who is hard on the outside and soft on the inside. I am Georgia. Georgia is me. We are both Cadbury crème eggs. “No one’s gonna get in the way.” Them sound like fightin words. #GeorgiaCremeEgg
RR is arriving, that music. It’s like we’re watching a Hero’s Journey or something. Wait, have I switched the channel to Gem?
RR’s nervous laugh is bordering on a cackle. He is secretly an evil witch.
He’s missing that “one special thing…” Aren’t we all RichieRich? AREN’T WE ALL?
He looks so nervous, like he might vom. A bachelor vom would make my night.
Nikki: Real Estate Agent, also a West Australian. RR is shitting himself.
Megan: *Massive exhale* I feel ya Megan. I’m weirdly nervous too and I’m just on my couch. She’s scoring points already and she’s making that analogy (and that dress) work.
“Turn it up!” Turn it up indeed RichieRich.
Cinderella: Those cheeks are going to hurt tomorrow. Is that a hoop under your skirt? Is this the Deb? “I think you’re really handsome and I’d like to date you.” She’s just sayin what everyone is thinkin. Oh she’s doing the shoe thing. Please don’t! Oh she’s done it.
I feel sorry for the girls who are fast-forwarded. My heart hurts.
Eliza: An event coordinator. We have a song, REPEAT, we have a song! Oh it’s not good. It takes guts though. #ICantDecideOnaHashtagForHer
Alex: A venue manager and cutie pie. She has an (almost) poem. Is it hypocritical that I like Alex’s poem, but not Eliza’s song?
More women experience the fast-forward.
Wow, there’s SO MUCH white. Is it a subliminal wedding dress thing? Am I the only one who doesn’t wear white dresses due to constant wine spillage?
Listen to the music change…we’re about to be introduced to the villain.
Kiera: Account Manager in sexy black lace dress. Is “the whole package”.
RR: “What turns you on, Kiera?” RichieRich c’mon!
Why is Eliza singing again? Kiera: “How many champagnes has she had?” The scary thing is she’s had none.
#NoniBacon: “Don’t go bacon my heart.” Noni is my favourite.
Vintaea: Massage Therapist who swears like a motherf***er. “I’d probably eat that face.” Run Richie Run. #TheSailor
Elena: Makeup artist with the eyes. Those things are weapons.
Kiera’s sizing everyone up. She needs to stay.
Hey Osher. The WHITE Rose is back. Capital letters were needed.
A private retreat comes with that White Rose? Hmmm, a private retreat? Or sex retreat?
Awww, RR keeps reminding them that he’s been in their shoes (well not Cinderella’s coz she only has one) and “you can open your heart to me.” *Sigh*
We’re three minutes into the cocktail party and #NoniBacon does the first steal. YASS!
Kiera is so quotable, there are too many and I can’t type them all here.
The ladies are going into meltdown: “Who wants to go and stop this romance?”
RR is feeling overwhelmed with attention. Poor little thing, 22 women are throwing themselves at him…
Alex has something to tell him: She stole some hubba bubba from a milk bar when she was 8? Oh, she’s a mum. Ok that’s a big deal too.
Awkward interruption from Faith!
#GeorgiaCremeEgg is complaining about the intercepting. This is not a game Georgia, it’s a reality show, but not a game!
RR trying to explain his weird “what turns you on?” question. Nice save, RichieRich.
Tiffany, stop loitering like a weirdo.
Eliza is singing again. Really?
A plank-off. This is happening and it’s produced the first rose! Tiffany wins it.
I love Vintaea. Bring on all the swearing. Did you know that her earrings are so f***ing heavy and she’s worried these cocktail parties are boring as s***? She needs a drinking game.
Janey looks so sad with that little lonely shoe…until that music and Prince Richie’s arrival.
The first three-way, oh it’s awkward and I want to change the channel.
Olena came to chat and RR said no! He said no to go grab a rose! Yay Megan, you outdoorsy thing you.
White Rose! He’s collected the white rose! Ugggghhhhh ad break. Well played Channel 10.
White Rose recipient? It’s Alex!
Kiera is a SORE loser. That grumpy face is amazing and the chanting of “bed, bed, bed, bed…” is not annoying at all.
Who is that women in the red dress and top bun? I swear I haven’t seen her!
The Rose Ceremony:
Whoever leaves this Rose Ceremony gets the chance to stop in at Osher’s room on the way out.
Ok, so a few have been given out…WALK OUT! We have a walk out! Another ad break, Channel 10 you wily minx.
A few more roses…this music and editing is dramatic as f***.
Sophie? That’s who the red dress/top bun is. She needs more air time, or she is being cut soon.
Kiera does NOT like waiting.
Sasha is eating her rose, the producers really need to provide snacks at these rose ceremonies, the little Russian is clearly hungry. For God’s sake, someone fetch her one of Noni’s bacon roses!
Last rose goes to Kiera, of course. She needs to stay for now. Bye bye to the two women remaining, I don’t know your names, and I’m sorry, but they don’t matter now.
Now for episode 2…
What did you think of the ep? Any front-runners yet?
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